Mental Health Jokes

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss,
press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.

Lori, the pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident
psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It has gotten so that every
time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him.
And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to
strengthen your willpower and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

Patient: I have a problem doctor. I feel depressed and worthless.
Doctor: You should cut down on your drinks.
Patient: I don't drink and have never touched a drop in my life.
Doctor: You should cut down on your smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke either doctor.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Good heavens!! Haven't touched a woman in my entire life.
Doctor: Your problem is you have no problems!! Get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, and find a couple of girlfriends and you will be alright.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the light bulb has to want to change.

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
Schizophrenia --- "Do You Hear What I Hear?"
Multiple Personality Disorder --- "We Three Queens Disoriented Are"
Dementia --- "I Think I'll be Home for Christmas"
Narcissistic --- "Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me"
Manic --- "Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and
Fire Hydrants and. . ."
Paranoid --- "Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me"
Borderline Personality Disorder --- "Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire"
Personality Disorder --- "You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna
Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why"
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells..."

Q: How many people with BPD does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just the one, they will threaten suicide if you don't do it for them!

Other Great Jokes

Two peanuts walk into a bar - one was a salted

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "I'm sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A group of fonts walk into a bar. The barman shouts, "GET OUT! We don't serve your type in here."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive..."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

The famous philosopher Rene Descartes walked into a bar. "Can I get you a drink?", the barman asked. "I think not," Descartes replied... and instantly disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man went into the butchers and bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. The butcher said, "No, the steaks are too high."

Did you hear about the woman who drowned in a bowl of muesli? She was pulled in by a strong currant.

Did you hear about the ice-cream man who was found lying in his van covered in hundreds and thousands? Police say he topped himself.

Three pieces of string walk into a bar. The first goes up to barman and says, "Three pints of beer please." The barman replies, "Sorry, we don't serve string in here." After breaking the news to his two friends, the second piece of string strides over to the bar and demands, "Three pints of beer please" to which the barman coolly replies, "I'm sorry, we don't serve string in here." The third piece of string turns to his friends and says, "Don't worry guys, I know a way", and disappears into the gents, ties a knot just above his head and pulls out the ends so it's all frizzy. He glides back into the bar and says to the barman, "Three pints of beer please." The barman looks at him a second, thinks, then asks, "Are you a piece of string?" "No, I'm afraid not!"