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Mental Health Jokes

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss,
press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.

Lori, the pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident
psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It has gotten so that every
time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him.
And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to
strengthen your willpower and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

Patient: I have a problem doctor. I feel depressed and worthless.
Doctor: You should cut down on your drinks.
Patient: I don't drink and have never touched a drop in my life.
Doctor: You should cut down on your smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke either doctor.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Good heavens!! Haven't touched a woman in my entire life.
Doctor: Your problem is you have no problems!! Get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, and find a couple of girlfriends and you will be alright.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the light bulb has to want to change.

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

Schizophrenia --- "Do You Hear What I Hear?"
Multiple Personality Disorder --- "We Three Queens Disoriented Are"
Dementia --- "I Think I'll be Home for Christmas"
Narcissistic --- "Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me"
Manic --- "Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and. . ."
Paranoid --- "Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me"
Borderline Personality Disorder --- "Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire"
Personality Disorder --- "You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why"
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells..."

Q: How many people with BPD does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just the one, they will threaten suicide if you don't do it for them!